January 16, 2015

Who are you when no one's watching?

I'm sitting here in my room thinking about myself a lot. I've been sick for a week, I got a virosis and needed also to get an infusion. I thought I would die lying on that hard hospital "bed", if you can call it so. I've had this phobia of hospitals since last year when I needed to spend some days there because I got a bladder infection. Since then I've thinking a lot about that. I used to cry a lot because I was so lonely there and because I was so terrified. I could die. I don't know how does that feel.

This made me blog about who I am offline, away from mobile devices, computers and people. I don't wear that smile all day every day, I'm not doing extreme yoga moves all day and I'm not baking free-something pastries all the time. 
Can you look in someone's eyes and say: well, no, I don't wear this perfect makeup everyday, in fact, I wear this perfect makeup rarely. I walk in yoga pants at home. And sometimes, well, I eat white bread too. And french fries. And Nutella. But you don't see that pimple on my forehead the day after, because Photoshop does magic with a click.

Sometimes I don't wash my hair in the evening, because I don't need to. I'm staying home the next day. And I don't do all my college assignments perfect, even though I'm trying so bad to study every day. I spend two hours a day watching my favorite Italian telenovela. I walk my dog at 6 a.m. in my pyjamas. And most of the time when I'm blogging, my office is a mess. And most of the time, I don't feel guilty because my prettiest dress is still in the closet and my nails aren't done.

I keep most of my relationships offline, I'm not nice all the time. I hate sports, my PMS drives me crazy and I live with a general fear most of the time. That's who I am. 
But I'm the happiest when I see a new comment on my post, my lovely Zoya kinda smiling at me, an ebay package in the morning and my loved ones that hug me (when I need to-or when I'm in the mood).

But you need to understand that, when I'm writing and what I'm writing, comes straight from my heart, where I'm, well, looking good from head to toes. Even though nor you or I can see that. Not everything I write suits best to all of my readers, but those who love me will wait for a post written for them. Because I don't forget to please you all, my wonderful readers, with my posts. With or without my makeup, don't forget.

Who are you offline?



  1. First, I am so happy that you have started this introspection, because it will take you to the places, that you have not visited yet, but they are the most beautiful places, that you can't find them anywhere else, than in yourself. Fantastic, keep doing it! :)

    Second, try to overcome this fear of hospitals. Take a notebook and a pencil and write the things, that you hear and how do you feel about them. I will never forget my first night in hospital - I was so happy that I could experience it. When I came in I started writing all that was going trough my head and then I made a lot of friends and we were laughing to our diseases together - humor and love, they help, indeed!

    Third, who am I when I am off-line? I am still me, just with the different company, with he best company actually - I am with myself. When I am off-line, I am a rock star! I am dancing and singing and screaming and getting know what I like doing and what I hate doing. I am trying to find my own peace, where I can escape and feel good. Yeah I have bad days, when I hate every tune that I hear and every food that I eat. But than I say to myself - hey why am I trying to listen music, if I don't like it today and why am I eating, if I don't like food and why am I studying if I can't focus on books. So what do I do? I close doors of my room, turn off all devices and stop eating and drinking. I lay down in my bad or sit in my yoga position and trying not to fall a sleep. Just me and my mind, wondering around... Soon, after a day or two you become hungry and you eat, you want music and you start to listen music, you want read and you are reading school stuff. And I am back on my track.

    I am doing this process right now - I am building small wall around me, to be just with me. Actually I already build wall and I was with myself for a while and now I am opening my wall (one week or two it will take me to be absolutely free again). But I don't find myself being different off-line and on-line. It is always me, no matter who is around - me, friends, family or unknown people - it is always me, same body, same soul, same mind and a lot of love to give! If I feel sad I don't put mask on my face in society, but if I am sad, that doesn't mean that I don't trying to give love to others. I just want to let them know that I am going trough a faze and I will be soon better. It is always me, if I am feeling sad than I am sad in my own world, if I am feeling happy, than I am happy in my own world and I am trying to help people that are sad to feel better. It is magical, what can a human being do for another human being, all it takes is mouth, ears, touch and love! :)

    This time I have found myself in Perl Jam, so I am leaving you with one of my favorite tunes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lm8oxC24QZc

    Get well soon and take your time, don't forget about yourself!

  2. Wow, that's how I like the comments :) First, thank you for reading and for taking time to comment :)
    Well I had some people around me that time too, but they were old...We laughed a bit but they were even more depressed for being there as I was:) Now I'm over that fear, but anytime I go back, I keep thinking about it.

    It's great that you still call yourself "you" when you're offline. People shouldn't loose themselves in this ocean of information as we call the internet. We should be glad about great friendships, loved ones and things that could make us happy even if the internet wasn't there.

  3. I literally loved this post :)

    I came across your comment in the FB group and so glad I did .

    It's so easy to look happy and "perfect" in a photo but what goes on behind closed doors. Your post said it better than I could ever say myself.xox


  4. Thank you for kind words and thank you for reading. I'm reading this post over and over and I thought: oh, people would think I'm so sad all the time and that I don't go out with friends etc. But it's not true, right? :) We can be happy too, but I wanted to expose that sadness and no-make up and baggy pants are a part of our life too. Even stars don't wear designed dresses at home and wear makeup :)

    I'm heading over your blog now, thanks again :)

  5. There's a baggy pants no make up girl in all of us. :) xx


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