September 19, 2014

The secret of happy couples

Let's begin with my first psychology related topic. How can two people stay happy for a very long time? A while ago, i didn't think you can just be with someone more than six months. Why? Maybe because that never happened to me. Since i've met my boyfriend it all changed. I'm not writing this as those soooo in love people who don't see anything else in their life as their "soulmate". I'm writing this as a psychologist, as a relationship observer.
I'm totally into those topics, i can see people on the street and say that they are not happy. They hold hands but they don't look at each other in a sincere way. I was thinking what could be the reason why the sparks or those butterflies in their stomach die and how to maintain a healthy and happy relationship.

1. Acceptance. My boyfriend doesn't like fast cars, fancy suits, (and/or) my occasional anger, but i still accept him the way he is. He likes to go with me to do some shopping, he likes to argue with me and (sometimes) doesn't let me to do things my way. On the other hand, he is very calm, i'm more hyper, i'm a organization freak, he's not, i often overreact, he undertakes things calmly. But i still accept him the way he is. I'm not judging him because it's not done my way or because he comes in a conflict with my mother. That's why we don't argue a lot. 

2. Compromising. As i said before. As a couple you have to do things that both of you like. If he goes shopping with you you should go to watch a show he likes etc.

3. Don't take him away his friends. Or hers. NEVER do that. This is a major relationship problem. A girl is so in love with his guy she insists to stay in every weekend and never go where he used to go. You must let your partner some space. He needs to spend time ALONE with his friends, watch a game, drink a beer, etc. as much as you need a good gossip talk with your bff.

4. Get to know his inner world. This supposed to be number 1. but anyway. You think you know your partner, but there are still spaces, rooms that are locked. I can't number you 10 couples who actutally know their partner's dreams, ambitions or maybe just their favorite color. This leads us to last point:

5. It's all about conversation. If you don't talk with your partner you will always be "in a conflict" with him. You must talk about your common goals in life, dreams to come true and help your partner grow as a person. That's how you two will know what to do to make you feel safe, loved and special. If you are not used to talk with him, here's a special technique psychologist often suggest: Take 20 minutes in the evening, sit comfortably on the floor. Each partner has 10 minutes to tell the other how does he feel, what does he like about the other one, what made him happy today etc. The other partner has to be quiet all the time. Then change the roles. After 20 minutes you can both discuss about everything. That's a beginning of a brand new life.

As Kevin D. Arnold said: A key to happiness in relationships is knowing each other’s meanings and symbols, finding the dreams within conflicts, and creating shared meanings.

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